Ok, where do i even start? .............
Wow, this is harder then I thought. I guess First thing I want to say is how absolutely blessed I am to have to have the ability to share my life and get to know the 3 children that I have raised for the last 13 years of my life. I certainly would not be the person that I am today if it weren't for each one of them.
Now I am still in a state of learning from all that has happened since Thursday when I started to feel cramping in my lower abdomen. Lets start off with what the day was like,(mostly so I never forget). Woke up early to wake Kyle for school at 6:30, and tried to go back to sleep and was finally successful at that around 7. I was expecting my other " daughter " Angelee to show up around then too. She actually woke me up to tell me Wes was awake around 8. I was out of it cause I normally here him chatting on the monitor as soon as he is up. Ang and I talked for a bit about her new foster sister and how cool it was for her to have someone around so much like her. Good Morning I'd have to say. Feed kids, mosied around the house and got ready for the day. I decided that today I was going to skip homeschool because a friend of mine Jenni Leatherman wanted to take me to the apple orchard where she heard apples were $4 a bushel ( this buy the way, was false information) but it was a fun car ride and we had fun at there petting zoo/farm. I had felt tired and had a really bad headache on the way there which I blamed on my TMJ syndrome, but nothing to out of the ordinary. The car ride back was a little different though. I started to spot with some light cramping:( At this point I was already thinking that what I thought was a new pregnancy was actually a pregnancy that was further along about 14 to 15 weeks. My husband reminded me of a little romp that we had back in July on our Tennessee vacation. (hmmm oh ya!) whoops! I thought i felt bigger then I should've! But that means I've been spotting this whole time in what I thought was just my regular menstrual cycle????????????
" Ok, I've heard of that happening, but when I get home from this road trip I better finally make an appointment with the doctor." Longest car ride eeeevvvvvveeeeeeerrrrrrr!!!!! I had many short silent conversations with the Lord on the way home. " I'm gonna trust in your path for me Lord. "
I got home fixed my friends hair really quick so she could go to work and loaded family into the house. Ang left as I was on the phone with the Doctor's office making an appointment. They told me to rest and hydrate untill the appointment the nest day at 11:30. That honestly seemed like way to long for me to wait. I was going to get a urine test to confirm and a blood test to see how far I was along.
Damian came home from work and I went to bed. Woke up to him making spaghetti for dinner! What a great father and hubby! I was starting to cramp even more and spotting was heavier but I wasn't miserable yet. Then i laid down to go to bed for the night and I just couldn't sleep. I was in so much pain that I wanted to cry out loud but I didn't want to wake up Damian. I also wanted to get into the shower just to possibly relieve the pain but i didn't I just laid there tossing and turning and praying " Lord I don't know what going on but I trust you, give me your strength to get me though this. Prepare me for whatever may come, so your light can be a shinning light in this darkness. I'm scared Lord, I'm so scared."
Finally Damian's alarm clock went off, I let him get ready for work without him knowing how much pain I was in. I'm not sure why I didn't tell him. I guess maybe I just knew he had to go to work and I didn't want him to worry about me. But just as he was leaving i heard the Spirit say "pray with him". so I said, "Damian, I'm hurting so bad and I don't know what to do but I think we need to pray together." He prayed for me, for us. He prayed " Father God, I don't understand all that is happening, but I trust you and your ways for you are bigger then we are, for your ways are not my ways and your thoughts are not my thoughts. Whatever it is that is going to happen, strengthen us, grow our faith in you, let your will be done. And most of all Lord, we trust in your judgement alone. We trust you Lord." Not once did we ask for Him to save our baby. Not once did we ask for Him to change our circumstance but only to be with us and to guide us through it.
I then proceeded to wake Kyle up from school at 6am and feel back to sleep. I woke up about 7:30 and i was in no pain at all. I thought "wow!" I got the kids ready for the day and called my friend Jenni to watch the kids for me when I went to my appointment. I did have a little bit of cramping around 10ish. It would come and go. (turns out this was contractions) I drove myself to the doctor's office in Nappannee that was a rough ride I felt every little bump on the road. I got there and they sent me straight back to the nurses office. I did the urine test and it came back that I was pregnant so they proceeded to do a blood test. They pricked me twice in my right arm without hitting a vein:( so they went to the left arm. but I started to shake uncontrollably. "I said I don't know why I'm shaking." they said "oh your just nervous." they held my arm and finally after a minute they got just enough blood to pass. I then felt a little sick and like i needed to go to the bathroom again which I just did 10 minutes before. I felt my body still shaking and then I felt something pass through and come out. So this may be gross to some of you who may read this. but before it hit the eater i retrieved it with toilet paper. I knew right away what it was but i guess I was in a state of shock or something cause i just sat there looking at it for a minute or 2 not really sure how long. I then placed our baby in a cup. This is the point where I take a break from writing this and cry for a bit.
Ok, the next few moments where what seemed to be the whirl wind. I gave the cup to the nurse who took my blood and I said "I think I just passed my baby". Shocked I even got that sentence out of my mouth. I lost it right then too. They wisked me away to a doctor's exam room and sat with me while a balled my eyes out. They asked if they could examine the cup's continents ( my child) and i gave them the cup. They asked me if I was bleeding bad I said it didn't seem really bad. The ride home was a very loud and lonely ride home full of sobbing. I knew I was coming home to my friend and children, so I had to pull myself together and be "ok" for them. I then had to prepare for the fact that Damian was rushing home to be with us and I was sure I would cry just as hard in his arms. Sure enough we both cried and held each other. Our child died. It was and still is the saddest day in my life.
We had each other to get through the worst of emotions. But I still cry when I think about it, One of the reasons this post took me so long to write and then even longer to hit the publish button. This was a very intimate look into our lives. So close to 2 years later in can post it. I do this for my children. All 5 of them. May their lives be used for Gods purposes. No matter how short.
